Writing versus real life

It’s been a year since I started writing Cornelis. A brilliant, mad year. I have the awesome benefit of Wattpad writing friends and Twitter. And of course, I’ve been driving everyone around me insane. Because that’s what writers DO. A collection:

*Bert is my husband. So he’s the most available victim I have for pretty much anything.

Sofie: “I need a megaphone. But I don’t have electricity.”

Bert (watching tv): “I think most work on batteries.”

Sofie: “I don’t HAVE batteries.”

Bert (still watching tv): “In the cupboard, I think.”

Sofie: “It’s 3 A.D. There is no cupboard. There are no batteries.”

Bert: “Oh RIGHT! Okay, make a funnel then.”

Sofie: “Okay, thanks. And I’ll put the Centurion on a horse too, so they know they have to be silent.”

Bert: “Perfect.”

…

With my bestie having brunch in a restaurant:

Bestie: “So how’s the writing going?”

Sofie: “Second story’s going good, I just burnt a village. Really helps character development. But I’m stuck on the prologue story because I meant to burn it there, and now I have to think of something else. I can’t keep burning villages.”

Bestie eyes a couple of people leaving the restaurant, wide-eyed: “Oh God, we have to talk about writing in public more often.”

…

Sofie: “I’m going to chop off a foot.”

Bert: “Ok good luck.”

Sofie: “But I have to see how I’ll fix it. Because healers or no healers, if you don’t repair this soon enough, you’ll bleed to death. I was thinking….”

Bert: “Maggots”

Sofie: “IEUW!!”

Bert: “They didn’t do that? Or is it too modern?”

Sofie: “It’s dirty! I wanted to burn it closed”

Bert: “I still think they used maggots for that”

Sofie: “Ok, ok, I’ll google it.”

…

Sofie: “I have a plot hole.”

Bert: “Auwch.”

Sofie: “Cornelis starts with a spear in his shoulder. He lives a four day walk from my healers at Mesmer. That’s four days to warn them, four days to return to him. The poor guy has a spear in his shoulder for eight days.”

Bert: “Poor dude.”

E.R. Roman Style. A challenge.

…

Aunt: “So what’s this?”

Sofie (very very proud): “A sketch of one of my characters.”

Cousin: “From her erotic fanfiction.”

Sofie: “It is NOT a fanfic!”

Aunt: …

Sofie: “And it is not erotic.”

Cousin: “YET.”

…

Sofie texts sister: “Can you please let mom bind your wrists together behind your back and see if you can get your arms in front of you? Because I can’t. Bert can’t either. But maybe someone a little more elastic can pull it off.”

Sister, five minutes later: “Nope. I can’t.”

Sofie: “Okay thanks, I’ll cut him loose then.”

Sister: “You’re welcome.”

…

Sofie: “I need to test something. Can you be Cornelis for a moment? Since you’re taller. I’ll be Marcus.”

Sofie:  positions Cornelis/Bert against the wall.

Bert: grabs my hips.

Sofie: “What are you doing? It’s a fight scene.”

Bert: Keeps holding hips, starts shaking them.

Sofie: “Please be serious, I’m holding a sword against your throat. You can’t shake me.”

Bert: “You don’t have a sword.”

Sofie: grabs remote control: “Stop shaking me or I’ll cut your throat!”

…

Bert: “Why is there a youtube movie about cleaning empty eye sockets on the computer?”

Sofie: “Research.”

Bert: “Right. But maggots are icky.”

…

Valentine special stuff:

Sofie: “Oh damn, I forgot about protection. Can’t keep it PG13 without protection.”

Bert: …

Sofie: “Kind of breaks the rhythm though. Wait, but you can apply a condom with your mouth. That’s sexy.”

Bert: “You can’t apply a condom with your mouth.”

Sofie: “Of course you can.”

Bert: “Nope.”

Sofie: “Sorry, but what kind of experience do you have to back that up?”

Bert: “Fine. Let’s try. Grab a banana.”

Sofie: “ …. Really? A banana?”

Bert: “…Okay, YOU don’t have to try it on a banana, but if you fail…”

Sofie: I won’t FAIL!

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